Skelly Lore

What's a Snow Skellie?

What are Snow Skellies? That's a rude question - What are YOU, bub?

Fiiiiiine, I'll explain.

You know the phrase, "When Hell freezes over"? People use it as a euphemism, but one time it really happened, Hell actually froze over! You should have seen the devil, shivering, and complaining about the cold. It's like, yeah, your entire wardrobe is from Tommy Bahama. Maybe the prince of darkness should keep, like, one wool sweater around.

Most of the damned souls hated the snow and ice, but a few of us skeletons were having a blast. We ice skated on the lake of fire where sinners burn for all of eternity, went sledding on Sisyphus' hill, and made snow angels (which also ticked off the devil – he's really sensitive).

We really dug the whole VIBE of the cold. Cool hats, dope boots, and best of all UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATERS. We love those multicolored monstrosities. Plus, hot cocoa, warm fires, and icicles, which are not only beautiful, but the perfect murder weapon, because they melt away, leaving no evidence. Not that we'd murder you. Unless you did something really bad, like say it's a fashion faux pas to wear an Ugly Christmas sweater in the spring, then you're definitely getting turned into an icicle shish kabob.

Eventually hell heats back up, and all the ice and snow is melting away, which means no snow cones, and what are we supposed to have for breakfast if we can't get a proper snow cone? Us Snow Skellies are like, Naaaaah, we out. Some skeletons stayed behind. You know what we call skeletons that don't like snow? LOSER SKELLIES. Goodbye and good riddance. Enjoy sweating all day while you play your ribs like a xylophone whenever the devil feels like dancing a jig. We escape hell (a whole ordeal involving Cerberus and hundreds of dog treats) and head to earth, on a forever mission to find the freshest pow, the ugliest sweaters, and tastiest snow cones.

What Do Snow Skellies do?

We do whatever we want! For Snow Skellies, every day is a snow day – no school, no work, nothing but fun and games and mischief. We love things like snowboarding, ice skating, building snowmen, burying people alive in snowdrifts, you know, all the normal snow games.

Our favorite thing to do is go ice fishing. Though not like your human ice fishing, where you cut a hole in the ice and sit on a bucket and wait for some cold, shivering fish to bite the hook. Boooooooooooring. We go out on pirate ships, like real deal pirate ships, with big sails, planks, poop decks (hahaha), and a lot of citrus fruit (scurvy is no joke).

And we don't fish for fish, we fish for ice (duh, that's why it's called ice fishing). We look for the biggest, bluest, iceberg we can find, and we nail the sucker with our harpoon. Then we chop it up and use it in our eggnog (egg is our favorite of the nogs).

Mischief

Now I'd like to address some rumors you've probably heard about us Snow Skellies, about how we are mean and evil and hurt people. It's simply not true. D o we like pranks? Of course! But they're harmless. Flushing the toilet when you're in the shower. Shaking up your soda. Telling people a yellow snow cone is lemon flavored when it is actually… not lemon flavored…

All just a good laugh. We're jokesters, that's all. But humans are so sensitive. I fell over when Snow Skellies tied my shoelaces together. Boo-hoo, Mr. Clumsy. When the Snow Skellies made me fall, I hit my head and bled. Oh, baby got a little boo-boo. I've been in a coma for 5 months and my family is about to pull the plug because of all the medical bills! It's not our fault your family is cheap! Humans, so dramatic. Ugh.

Instead of focusing on the negative, we wish people would focus on the FUN. That's what we're all about – chill fun in the snow. Next time there's a snowstorm, keep an eye out for the Snow Skellies, and if you see us, the only thing you're in danger of is HAVING A BLAST. We'll help you pick your ugliest Christmas sweater, serve you some killer iceberg ‘nog, and make you an accomplice in our next attack prank.

The Skelletery Burial

Every year, the Skellies go back to the North Pole. Nothing strange right? Normally, this is nothing special. By the end of February, the Skellies pack up all their stuff and go on their way to the North Pole, but this year is different. This year will be the 6th Skelletery Burial. First started in the year 0. Every 337 years the Skellies need to do a ceremony to keep the Spirits of the Skellies happy. Otherwise, the Skelly spirits will warm up the earth, and the Skellies will no longer be able to live. This ceremony will consist out of a big skelly dance and making offers to the Spirits. 250 offers to be exact.

In the days prior to the ceremony, Skellies will receive a letter from their Skelly parents (us). These will be given out at random so that no skelly knows before hand who needs to bring an offer. Every Skelly that has been chosen must do the Skelletery Burial, which means they need to offer themselves to the Spirits. After an elaborate and lenghty opening ceremony and once the Skelly dance is over, all the Skellies who have been chosen will line up and walk into the Skelly fire. All other skellies will keep dancing until the fire is out.

Skellies Dancing aroung the Burned Skellies

After the Skellies are burned and only the ashes remain, the remaining Skellies collect the Ashes in red bags that are normally used for toys and head on towards the North Pole. At the North Pole, they decided to do some final snowboarding. So, they put the bags with the ashes all together under a tree and go snowboarding. Then, all of a sudden, an avalanche happens, and the snowboarding Skellies are trying to get out of there as soon as possible, but they don't have time to save the bags with ashes.

The Skellies decide to go look for the bags the following day and, little did anyone know, being buried under the dense avalanche debris caused a metamorphosis similar to a geological process. But, instead of pressure and heat for rock, pressure and freezing cold was the catalyst for this evolutionary event in the Skellies history! The 125 Skellies that were recovered and thawed had certainly changed. Their new characteristics were celebrated by their brethren as a badge of honor--of their rebirth. Like the rising of a phoenix from the ashes, the lost Skellies will be missed forever, but the community has grown from the mishap.

At least they can live in peace for the next 337 years.

Burn Lore Credits

  • ✶ Metalzonee
  • ✶ jasonkaplan